On "Knowing" Clay

Friday, Decemeber 05, 2008



Why do [u]some[/u] people feel a personal connection to Clay Aiken?

Blame "Wide World of Sports."

It was ABC’s Roone Arledge, I believe, who invented the “Up Close and Personal” feature, the idea of doing personal intro packages for athletes that let the viewers in on something beyond the record, the speed, the distance, the time.

When considering people in the public eye, I admire talent and respect decency, and I think it is natural to care about people I come to “know” in a more personal way. With a little more knowledge, many will feel more than the general empathy one might have for a fellow --- though faceless --- human being.

Here’s an example: I’ve loved ice skating since I was a kid, and over time I came to know my favorite skaters beyond the national, world and Olympic medalists many of them became.

It's why it was so disappointing to me that Randy Gardner's injury took him and Tai Babilonia out of contention for an Olympic medal.

It's why I cared when Scott Hamilton had cancer.

It's why I cried when young and handsome Sergei Grinkov dropped dead on the ice after practice, leaving his partner and wife Katya Gordeeva with their infant child.

It's why I was happy when Kurt Browning married a principal ballerina of Canada's National Ballet, and why I smile when I think that they have two little boys now.

These feelings are directed at strangers, but they are real.

I have never been to an ice skating board in my life, and I have seen fewer than half a dozen skating shows in person, but skaters and skating mean something special to me.

I started with love for the sport. I love it more because I care about some of those skaters.

Music has always been an invaluable part of how I express myself, of how I connect to fellow human beings, of how I explore the world through sound and word and feeling.

I have a collection of hundreds of CDs, cassettes and records, across many different genres. There are quite a few musicians I’ve seen lots of times in concert, including two, three or four times during a single tour. Of these, I own most or all of their CDs, have a book or two about some of them and have saved a few significant articles or cover stories.

Some I enjoy for their talent alone. I don't know a thing about John Legend, for instance, except that I like his music. I have a couple of his albums, and I'd like to see him in concert some time. I don't know if he is married or single, gay or straight, self-taught or formally trained, the product of a happy home or a dysfunctional one. I don’t know if knowing more about him personally would make me like him more or less.

Though every year I discover someone new to add to my playlist, I have some favorites, old and new. I feel like I grew up with Bono and Sting, who are my contemporaries. I know a little about their families and their backgrounds, quite a bit about their causes and concerns, and a lot about their music, their inspirations, their collaborations. No doubt, I support their music and, sometimes, their causes more because I like what I know about them. I feel affection for them, and for some of my other musical heroes I’ve had a chance to work with, like Neil Young.

I idolize none.

Over nearly six years, I learned many bits and pieces about Clay Aiken, some trivial, some profound, much that he has provided himself: information from those AI packages, print and radio and television interviews, [i]Learning to Sing[/i], and M&Gs, all the way up to what was recalled in the recaps from Chat with Clay last weekend.

In a thousand different ways, I've come to “know” Clay, and I think he has the rare kind of charisma that can gather people in, that makes him a captivating performer and a riveting personality.

First and utmost was The Voice. I am not one to care much about the age or appearance of the musicians I appreciate, so if Clay, armed with that voice, still looked and dressed exactly like the guy who walked into that audition, he’d still be my favorite singer. It’s a nice little perk that he improved his look, but some of my favorite musicians ain’t gonna win no beauty contests. There are also better looking men without a fraction of his talent, and I don’t have time to waste on them.

Then there was The Man. I liked Clay for so many little things: his humor, his open affection, his devotion to children, his advocacy for inclusion and the way he truly seemed to see people from the inside out. He’s a genuine good guy. He made me think sometimes, and I loved how he made my laugh.

I loved how he defied stereotypes, how he kept proving to be more than he seemed and how, when I learned something new about him, I liked him more instead of less.

I've noticed that he changes his mind on occasion, that he can be more forthcoming over time, that after a while he drops promo spin and says how he really felt, that sometimes he likes to tease, and that he sometimes contradicts himself, just as I do. No, he doesn’t always tell the unvarnished truth, but I have never found a reason to doubt his basic honesty.

I still haven't.

When I read the [i]Rolling Stone[/i] article in the summer of 2003, I noted a number of things: Clay was polite if a little bit critical, rather old-fashioned, a Southern Baptist, not a womanizer, not gay, didn’t smoke, wasn’t racist, and he had a great (and pointed!) sense of humor.

I didn’t question “not gay” any more than I questioned “Southern Baptist” or “doesn’t smoke.” I had no reason to doubt anything he chose to reveal. Sometimes he seemed more honest than I would have considered wise, especially when his honesty was used as a weapon against him by some bloggers and comedians and deejays.

In the early days, especially, Clay was far more forthcoming than he had to be about aspects of his personal life, and though he grew more reserved, that continued well into 2006 and, in some instances, to this day. There have been a number of times he chose to be forthcoming about his personal life. He did so, yet I always considered him to be, at heart, a very private person.

It was Clay who revealed the nature of his relationship with his birth father, discussing alcoholism, family violence, racism, the mistreatment of women, and most of all, his father’s staggering [b]indifference[/b].

I didn’t spend my time grieving about it, but I cared about the man who showed so much hurt when he discussed these things with Diane Sawyer. I hoped Clay would one day hear “I love you” from a father who meant it. And I yelled “Oh, no!” when I came to the boards and learned Grissom had died ---- no reconciliation, no chance for closure.

Life stinks sometimes.

I cared that Clay had been bullied by kids like it was their job. I cared that he was dodge ball bait. I cared that he’d been taunted and called a fag, perhaps because I’d been called a nigger, and I did not understand why such virulent hatred and baseless animosity exists in this world.

Clay wrote that he’d been asked to leave his grandmother’s funeral, and described the feelings of rejection and sorrow that accompanied that.

Clay told the world, in his book and on TV, that his sister had committed suicide, and described his pain and loss, not only in that moment but in wondering, years later, if he was to blame. (“[i]This is what shock feels like.[/i] Time stood still. A horrible, frozen moment. Then I began to wail… ‘My sister is dead,’ I cried. Then in my head, [i]It’s my fault.[/i]")

Damn, that’s an intimate and painful account.

Clay, in time, told the brutal truth behind what he recounted to Leno as a hilarious story about “stealing” his car to go for pizza. (Describing his stepfather: “He reached for my belt loop, snatched at my waist and started spanking me. He spanked me with such ferocity that an old man who had also been waiting for his pizza came out and told him to stop. ‘Interfere again and I’ll hit you, too’ my dad shot back.")

It made me feel sick to read that.

Clay announced the birth of Andy’s daughter and Quiana’s son, though he doesn’t discuss either of those children. He let us know when Brett had returned safely from Iraq, though his brother has rarely interacted with fans. He shut down his fan club board for several days upon the death of his aunt, though few fans had ever met her and I don’t think she had anything to do with the running of the OFC.

Clay has, in recordings and in some of his most moving performances, shared his faith and devotion in songs that seemed addressed to his lord and savior more than they were meant for the audience, sometimes so intimately that it almost felt intrusive to watch.

Though no one might have ever found out, Clay told the world that he had anxiety attacks and difficulties coping with crowds to the extent that he started taking Paxil. (That certainly explained the times he’d suddenly become remote in dealing with the public.)

All of these things were deeply personal, honest reflections of the man behind the entertainer. I don’t know why he chose to share them, but I appreciate that he did. Perhaps Clay did not know that, in sharing some of his life, there would be people who would come to care about him on a personal basis, people who had cared initially about the phenomenal talent they had heard on television, people who loved what they saw of the man [u]and[/u] of the singer. I think it is entirely understandable why this would happen.

(It is unfortunate that, as a side effect of openness, some people wanted to know things that Clay had no intention of sharing, and attempted to dig up more personal information. How much he chooses to share has been, and should always be, his call.)

Clay Aiken is a private man, but he has sometimes revealed very personal things with stunning honesty. I’ve appreciated the insights, but I don’t push for more.

I don’t idealize Clay and I’ve never felt entitled to a thing. I’ve called him “a miracle and a mess.” I think he is a good man. I know he’s flawed --- of course he is, since he’s human. I like him. It doesn’t matter to me that he sometimes says or does things that make me roll my eyes or shake my head, because I think he does far more, as an artist and an activist, that I find interesting, intriguing, inspiring, thrilling and admirable.

I hate to put a caveat on it at all but, as much as I can love someone I don’t personally know, I love Clay Aiken.

To me, he’s not a book, he’s a whole freaking library of fascination.

I don’t remember what triggered it, but I had a conversation several years ago with one of the very few people in the fandom who became my RL friend. Among a dozen other topics, we wondered about the obsession with Clay’s sexuality in the media and talked a bit about fan reaction. Neither of us could give a sh-t if Clay was straight or gay, though we’d taken him at his word as stated early on. He had sometimes been so painfully honest: we both believed that if he was gay, with all of the other personal revelations he had shared, he would just say so. (In fact, he [u]did[/u], didn’t he, when he was ready.) In essence, his sexuality was a whole big “whatever” --- or, more accurately, a small one. Since we didn’t care, we weren’t keeping track as some did, but over the years Clay did make comments on women, marriage, family, children, etc., mixed in with thousands of bits of information that he had shared about various aspects of his life. It was simply background information to me, but I believed he was straight.

I honored what I believed was his self-identification. I think there is as much bigotry in assuming a straight person must adhere to certain stereotypical characteristics as there is in saying that a person who identifies as gay is wrong, and that he can overcome it or come out of being gay if he tries.

I simply cannot understand why some in the media and the general public think that they deserve any information on a famous person’s sexuality in the first place, unless that person volunteers to discuss it.

It wasn’t important to me why Clay said he was going to stop discussing his personal life in 2006. He said that he’d answered before, so I figured he was tired of discussing it, since I agreed that people were going to believe what they wanted to believe anyway.

On September 23, five and a half years after I first heard his voice, I found out that Clay Aiken was gay. For a little while it was a paradigm shift, and so many little things would rise to mind from time to time, but there was never a point when I felt any less for him.

I thank God, and the life I have led, for that.

I am a member of [url=http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2][b]PFLAG[/b][/url], a donor for [url=http://www.angelfood.org/site/pp.aspx?c=etIQK6OYG&b=34728][b]Project Angel Food[/b][/url] and, long before I ever heard of Clay Aiken, a supporter of [url=http://bcefa.org/][b]Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS[/b][/url]. Many people I call my friends are gay, including some who never had to come out because they were never in, but when I was barely in my twenties, I lost a friend who committed suicide because he couldn’t face being gay. I witnessed the weight of the world fall off the shoulders of a close friend of more than a decade because he was afraid that I, a left-leaning human rights activist, might reject him when he came out to me. I have worked with gay people throughout my professional life --- loved some, liked some and couldn’t stand others, just like the hets I’ve worked with.

If I’d given it any thought, though, I might have realized that coming out is different than the other things Clay shared.

It’s different because of the way gay people are judged and sometimes condemned in this society, and how their sexuality is often reduced to a sex act or a stereotype.

Clay didn’t know if the people who loved him would walk away --- and I’m talking about his family and friends, not his fans. He didn’t know if he would have a career left. He certainly couldn’t have relied on going back to a career outside of the public eye, when everyone who pays even the slightest attention to popular culture would know his story. He didn’t know if he’d be able to make a difference by continuing to be an advocate for the causes that mean the most to him.

In this long process of coming out, every step must have been full of uncertainty. Perhaps, like others I have known, Clay is still coming out, learning to love, accept and forgive himself, finding his footing about when and how to incorporate this truth into his conversation and even how to joke about it.

I am disinclined to add to his concerns.

Just think: Clay was [b]terrified[/b] that he would be booed off the stage at his curtain call.

He was terrified that this would happen on Broadway, one of the most gay-friendly work environments in the world, terrified even though he was in a play where there’s an entire coming out scene that lovingly tweaks gay stereotypes and ends with simple acceptance, terrified when one of the audience’s favorite “Spamalot” actors is out and proud Chris Sieber?

Honestly, I might laugh at that situation if not for my personal experiences. I have seen that terror before, in seeing what friends have gone through. But I have also read the reactions of some of Clay’s fans, to this “transgression” and other things that offended them, from the “I’ll be damned” lyric to the erotic dancing used to underscore the message in "When Doves Cry" to the Mezghan photo, all the way to having a child out of wedlock and coming out as a gay father on the cover of PEOPLE Magazine. To some extent, though I don’t agree, I can understand not approving, I can understand being disappointed, I can understand those who see his actions and identity in conflict with their own deeply-held morals, values and religious beliefs. I have great sympathy for those who don’t know what to tell their young children about this man who is a role model. (I’m not going to talk about “teaching moments” when I have no children of my own.) I feel sorry for those who are having trouble seeing their way forward. I hope you find your way to a happier place. What I don’t understand, anymore than when I was a child, is the virulent hatred and the baseless animosity that a few are now expressing.

Clay has changed. Of course he has: I’ve changed dramatically over the last five years, and I started at a point of more years of life experience than he had, after all. He says he’s more jaded and guarded and, lord knows, he has reason to be. He doubtless has more experience in so many areas of his life, from the places he has visited, to the causes he espouses, to the music he makes, to the relationships he cultivates. He is undoubtedly more worldly-wise and perhaps a bit world weary.

I still believe he is a good man, an excellent role model for activism, volunteerism, inclusion and acceptance, and an extraordinary talent.

He was gay at “Take.”

He can say so now, and he seems freer and happier than at any point since he first entered the public eye.

For me, all that has changed is that I know he is gay now. Finding out, at first I had a hundred little [i]“But what about”[/i]’s and [i]“But didn’t he”[/i]’s running through my brain. I know now that some were camouflage, some were redirection and some were truth. With all that a person who is gay has to deal with in coming out, I would never call any of them lies, not even when it came directly to me from my [b]close friends[/b]. I think about the illusion of "knowing" someone in the public eye, and I realize that if a person in the closet makes one --- or a hundred --- misleading statements or actions before a faceless public, not to mention their own family and friends, it was in the interest of self-preservation.

I will blame no one for doing what they feel they must, in the face of terror, in order to [u]survive[/u], because I had a friend who did not.

Clay [u]does[/u] love women, and he showed how much in LTS Chapter Nine, “Consider Singing A Duet”. (“[i]These girls --- women now --- [/i] showed me how life should be lived. Take risks. Stand up for what you believe in. Imagine what can be… Women make good company.”)

It’s no surprise that, a dozen years later, he adores Kristy and Quiana and Angela and Jill and Tyra and Hannah.

And every aspect that Clay described of what kind of woman he wanted in his life, from OARS to The Standard, I would say that he considers he’s found in Jaymes.

There are three things I’d react to if I found out anyone I cared about was gay, after I found out that they felt happy, free and natural at last.

The first would be the very real concern about discrimination, the impact on career and daily life.

For Clay, this remains a question mark. In a way, he is in undiscovered country: he’s not a Rufus Wainwright, who has always been out as a musician and who has family bloodlines and artistic cred to support his immense talent, and he’s not an Elton John, an international superstar who had a decade of huge sales and critical acclaim before he came out. Clay is still building a career and finding a voice and, though he was the first to break free from a 19 contract, he is perhaps the only person who ever appeared on that show who is rarely mentioned without an AI reference, often negative. Though Clay has some very high profile supporters, there’s often been media disdain that doesn’t mesh at all with his accomplishments or his abilities.

I think Clay has an excellent shot at doing more theatre, and his sexual orientation won’t matter a whit there, but Broadway is struggling badly now and opportunities might be more limited for new productions. He’s proven himself as an actor, so he might finally get some more television roles as a character actor (more likely than as a leading man). I believe he has a shot at a film role, too, especially in a project helmed by Mike Nichols. One good role could lead to others.

The music industry is a large question mark for everyone right now. Touring is getting much more difficult, and Clay’s attendance numbers have been falling off for a while. He needs a larger, revitalized fan base.

I don’t know what happened between MOAM and what should have been his mainstream Album 2 that Davis / RCA decided to completely reverse course with Clay’s career. He went from being given all originals on his multi-platinum debut album (when riding the AI crest and including a few covers might have made sense) to having this label toss out the forty or fifty songs generated by the Nashville songwriters hoedown in favor of what ended up mandated for ATDW. Of the music on that gold album, the covers included some songs that are broadly considered hackneyed, though many of Clay’s interpretations are truly masterful. The originals, including the brilliant "Lover All Alone", were largely ignored.

For OMWH, Clay made an album I believe truly reflects what he wants to do with his music. (Interestingly, at least one song had been intended for Clay’s version of Album Two.) By that time, though, indifferent promotion in a far-too short window, the shift of album narrative from the personal to the generic, a lead single that is arguably the least interesting track on the CD, the chronic lack of serious promotion for radio play and a public with a short attention span had taken its toll. I don’t know what Clay will do next. It has been almost three years since I wrote several posts about what kind of covers would make up an interesting album for me, but a proposed next CD of more covers, including a hypothetical one that would perhaps be his AI songs? That would be like looking at a high school yearbook: a trip through memories, an appreciation of the past, a specimen in amber. It seems forever ago, and though I liked-to-loved his interpretations, I thought that fully a third of the numbers he performed just weren’t very good songs.

There are no “covers” in jazz or classical or folk: those genres thrive on reinterpreting the past and expanding on an iconic work. There is no shame in pop, rock, country or soul artists like James Taylor, Seal or kd lang doing covers albums: there’s no doubt that they have built their own musical legacies, so there is interest in what they do with works that inspire them. If I “fell in love” with Clay singing covers, it was for that remarkable voice, not for the snippets of songs that ranged from music I loved to that I loathed. (I did not see the JBT, but my appreciation of it comes from seeing Clay’s versatility, the amount of time he spent on stage, the introduction of new Clay Aiken songs and my enjoyment of some of the originals, probably in that order.) For Clay, uniquely among successful former contestants, the “AI karaoke” albatross continues to hang around his neck.

From a position of strength, ten years on, it might be of interest to me to see Clay revisit past hits and classic songs, because there would be a body of work that belonged to Clay Aiken, Singer. Now, though it might be a strategic move or a way to fulfill a contract, it would seem more like nostalgia than artistry to me.

Bet he’d sing them pretty, though.

I know now that Clay is capable of writing his own lyrics brilliantly, and he might greatly reduce his problems with finding material if he could work with a composer as a regular writing partner. I just don’t see in him the desire to do so and, though I’d consider it a great pity and a tremendous loss, I have to respect that that might well be his choice.

I just hope that his voice will be heard. I want to hear Clay’s voice, free of distractions, free of labels, free of encumbrances and limitations. His true, strong, remarkable and utterly inimitable voice, sometimes ringing out, sometimes caressing, sometimes snarling, sometimes thrilling, sometimes breaking a heart or healing a soul.

I am in love with Clay Aiken’s voice.

My second concern upon a person's coming out is, thank the lord, a moot point for Clay. For many of my friends who are gay men, having children was not often an option --- in fact, I can’t think of a single one who has children. Clay has Parker, his own blessing and miracle, and we have seen a few small glimpses of how much he delights in being a father. It makes me so glad for him, to know he realized his frequently articulated dream.

The third is the same as it has always been. Everyone deserves to find his heart’s home. I am very glad that he has a number of loving friends but, [u]if[/u] he desires it, I hope Clay will find a soul mate who is his romantic partner in life. Now, as before, I will ship him with no one and I have no desire to know any details. As much as possible, I hope that he can keep whoever is closest to his heart to himself.

I know enough about Clay’s personal life. It was not my fate to be his friend, so I am not meant to know more. I have always wished I knew more about his music, what inspires him, what he wants to do with this extraordinary talent of his --- specific to that gift of music, not as a means to his philanthropic ends. I have loved every rare time when he talks about music.

Even though I work in entertainment and am familiar with its dream-making machinery, I have to remind myself that I don't know Clay Aiken, and that he is not "[b]our[/b] Clay," in the affectionate and familiar parlance of my old screen name.

No, Clay is not my family, not my friend, but he is one of my loved ones. He is a gorgeously complicated whole, not just one of his attributes. I hope that is recognized one day.

And if the great wide world must hang a tag on him, I hope it will be “one hell of a singer.”

I hope people will be blown away by his talent.

Full circle, at last.